And I Do Regret More Than I Admit

The title of this blog is a lyric from the song "Everything We Had" by The Academy Is... These words issuing forth from the speaker of my iPod dock gave me pause because of the personal truth I find in them. I have often said that I do not believe in regrets because everything that happens can be used to make a person stronger and smarter. Then, in the infrequent quiet moments of the past few weeks, I've experienced a progressive epiphany.

My reluctance to admit regrets has not been based on the noble idea that looking back with remorse only causes a person to become mired in circumstances now beyond their ability to change. My denial of regrets is a manifestation of my reluctance to admit to failure and poor choices. Acknowledging regrets is acceding to imperfection. I loathe the taste of personal imperfection.

The truth learned in the midst of my pondering is: I deny the existence of regrets in order to protect my ego.

Chaos Theory

I am uncertain.

I am terrified.

I am filled with questions.

I feel adrift.

I feel intimidated.

I feel exhausted.

I want answers.

I want peace.

I want to know myself.

Me Lessons

Since the day it became 'just me' instead of 'us', I have learned a few things about myself.

1) I can live off little more than chocolate Cheerios and Slim-Fast shakes. I do not care to spend the time or energy on cooking so I have a pretty simple diet. While I know that is not the healthiest way to sustain life, I accept my limitations.

2) I take more risks now that I no longer have someone I can use as an excuse for why I do not do something. I never realized how often, in my own mind or spoken aloud, I used Brian as a reason for why I stayed inside my comfort zone until I no longer had an easy excuse.

3) Worry comes easier and stays with me longer. I second-guess myself frequently and no one is right there to tell me if they think I am right or wrong. I have to learn to trust my own instincts.

4) I am loved deeply by many people. This is utterly humbling to me. I am so grateful for the love and support of my friends and family. I truly appreciate the love and respect Brian has been shown as well. There is no "bad guy" in this situation and I appreciate that no one is trying to make Brian out to be one in their zeal to support me.

I have been busier this past week than I have been at any time in recent history. However, I am coming to the end of the week satisfied and in good spirits. I have no idea where this path will lead but I look forward to the journey.

The Break-Up

All I can think is It wasn't supposed to be like this. I listen to the same sad song at least 20 times a day because it puts into coherent words the sadness/pain/sense of loss I feel welling up at the most unexpected moments. It is playing now as I type and the tears are flowing.

I cry as quietly as possible because I do not want to frighten my new roommate but I wish I could just let the tears and sobs flow without inhibition. Perhaps if I could cry loudly and for a long time than I would be relieved of my sadness at a faster rate than if I continue to ration them into smaller portions for the benefit of those around me.

I don't want to buy new housewares. I don't want to sleep alone. I don't want to pretend I'm not in pain. I don't want to keep crying.

I want to go home.